A conversation I had with my fear this morning
Hello beautiful people,
How are you today?
This morning I woke up with the sensation of fear gripping my heart. An urgent, unpleasant sensation that something was terribly wrong.
My first instinct was to get up and start ‘doing something about it.’
My fear usually wants to either run away and hide from everything or it wants to do a ton of stuff – right now!
Take action Di. Go, do, go, do.
Because my fear has this idea that if I just do a ton of things, tick tick tick off my to do list, then maybe I’ll chase away the fear.
Spoiler alert: the doing never totally takes away the fear. Sometimes it takes the edge off it. Or if I am doing the thing that has brought up the fear, then maybe the fear will reduce and release for a little while.
But I learnt that the endless doing doesn’t stop the relentless pressure of fear, the impending sense of doom. It always used to return at an intensity that felt way too much.
Or running away from fear. I used to attempt to sedate the fear with sleep, food, alcohol, distracting myself with social things or TV or gossip etc. Or maybe even gossipy TV 😉
But again – this running away/distraction method doesn’t work, and the fear will just pop up again once I’ve finished the socialising, TV, eating experience. Waiting for me on the other side.
So I think of the words of Michael Brown: ‘The only way out is through’ and I get up with the intention of being with my fear.
This is the first step. I acknowledge the fear.
Sometimes I can be a little playful with my fear, and today I say – Oh fear! Here you are again, what have you got to share with me today?
The more I work with my fear, the more I am able to first acknowledge that it’s here. It’s asking for my attention. It’s saying, please look at me, Di! I need you to pay attention to me! I have something I need!
The fear that is gripping me feels tight and uncomfortable in my chest. My awareness doesn’t want to move towards it because it feels scary and unsafe. I don’t like this feeling and so my brain has registered that.
So I give myself some physical support – I put my hand on my heart, I do some regulating breaths. I rub my arms like I’m giving myself a little hug. I help my brain see there is no emergency here, it’s just fear, it’s just an emotion.
At its essence it’s only a feeling. It’s only a collection of sensations in my body.
I acknowledge, too, that of course I want to run away from the feeling. That urge to not look and feel the fear has decades of habit behind it. I spent 35+ years avoiding my fear, trying to numb it with alcohol, food, and by trying to avoid what terrifies me.
But I have built enough safety in my nervous system, I have trained my brain to stop seeing fear always as a predator, as a threat.
And so I go into my office, I sit looking out the window at the fresh, cold, very blue morning, and I sit with my fear.
I stay looking at the sensations of fear in my body.
I am witnessing my fear.
Fear, I see you, I see you’re here. What do you need? What’s up today?
And it replies – You’ve got some hard things to do Di, and I’m worried you won’t do them and then we’ll be in big trouble!
Oh yikes, you’re worried I won’t do what I need to do and then it’ll all be a gigantic mess?
Yes! You’re really good at avoiding things, Di!! Remember all the things you’ve not done in the past and we got into trouble
Yes, fear. I do happen to remember all the mistakes and missteps I’ve taken. Don’t you worry about that! You really have a great memory for the messes I’ve made in my life – lol! But you know, I am also doing a ton of stuff that doesn’t end up in a mess. You know that right?
OK, yes now, I think about it you do a lot of things that don’t end up in gigantic stinking messes.
So how about this? I appreciate you wanting to protect me from me making a big mess of my life, thank you, but could I get a chance to do some of those things without you hanging out and distracting me? And I promise if we are heading towards a gigantic mess you are welcome to come back and alert me.
Yes ok.I am happy to leave – for now.
And with that the fear just faded out of my chest. And instead I feel a steady calm confidence about what lies ahead as well as a surging joy in my chest for the wonderful projects that deeply excite me.
Knowing that really the fear is just trying to help me out and that when I know how to be with it, it will release its grip.
I heard my fear.
So I wanted to share this because I wanted to show you that if you are finding fear or any emotion challenging, there is an opportunity for you to change how you experience the emotion.
We will always generate emotions, we will always have a range of emotions come and go. But what’s important to know is that when we build deep emotional safety and are able to regulate our nervous system around emotions, we are able to have a much more confident relationship with our emotions.
They don’t need (or want) to keep us in a stranglehold, or vibrating on a low buzzing intensity. They don’t need to be there all the time.
The fear left because I didn’t force it to. I heard what it had to say. I heard that it was trying to protect me from a big mess. I heard that it had a need for me not to put off the things I needed to do. And I am prepared to meet this need of mine of not avoiding tricky things.
I also accept that the fear may return at some point. And that’s ok. I am no longer scared like I used to be about my fear.
Of course, everyone’s emotions have different things they are trying to communicate. We all have needs that want to be met, and our emotions have the job of trying to express these needs. When we learn to hold them, support ourselves, and hear what they want to tell us.
I hope that gave you some useful insights into how emotions work, and of course if you have anything to share or that sparked any thoughts, always feel free to reach out and share. It’s always lovely to hear from you.
Sending much love,
Diana
