Our need to be heard

When we share our feelings with someone, it often goes like this:

– I am feeling pretty overwhelmed right now, I am so worried about….

And often we’ll receive this kind of a reply:

– Well everyone’s overwhelmed right now, it’s a difficult time.

Or

– Well at least you have …… going on. At least you have kids/a job/family/two working legs

Or

– Have you tried X,Y or Z? My friend’s uncle’s sister tried that and it worked!

And that usually doesn’t make us feel better does it?

It can feel like we are overreacting because of course there are other people in a worse position. And this feeling of our worries being minimised by others can bring with it tinges of shame.

It can feel dismissive, like we aren’t worthy of having our worries cared for, tended to, seen.

And this isn’t to blame the person who we tell. Usually they are trying to help. To offer solutions that could fix us. Offer some words to show us we aren’t that messed up.

Most people are responding to us from a place of kindness.

But mostly – these responses don’t help take away the feelings we are having, or even fix the issue.

They can end up making us feeling guilty or shameful or stupid or pathetic.

What we really yearn for when we share our pains, our feelings, our sense of overwhelm is for someone to see it as we are experiencing it.

To say

– Yes, that does sound overwhelming – tell me more

– I can see why your worried

– That sounds like a lot

– I see that this is causing you pain

Our hearts yearn for us to be seen and to be heard – exactly as we are.

And when we have that chance to be seen completely in the experience we are having – not be dismissed or mocked, or jollied out of – it’s so much easier to then deal with the feelings and experiences we are having.

When there is empathy for what we are experiencing, our feelings have space to be seen, to be heard and to be felt. And then we have the possibility of releasing the emotional charge that is causing the overwhelm, or pain.

So what do we do in a world that is constantly giving advice, pushing away our feelings, trying to move us away from what we are experiencing? Not hearing our pains and struggles?

We learn to hear ourselves.

We learn to be the person who listens to what’s really happening inside – without judgement.

And this is where we need the step change. Learning to be with ourselves without judgement.

So here’s an example.

Here’s what would have been part of my internal dialogue several years ago when feelings of fear came up around a new project at work –

“I am terrified out of my mind! What if this project fails? What if I mess it up? Well I probably will mess it up because I always mess things up. I never do things properly. I am always last-minute, rushing to the finish line because I can’t get my ass in gear. Jeez I am such a loser. I’ll never make this work as it should be. I’ll get it done but it will probably be lame. Totally lame.”

Now with working with my emotions and my survival responses I have learnt to hear myself and be with myself differently. Here is what I would say now.

“Oh Di! You’re scared! Terrified even! This step into the unknown. It feels scary to you. That makes sense. Starting something new, is bringing up feelings of fear, and perhaps shame from when things haven’t worked as you wanted them to in the past. Well I am here for you. I’ll be with you while you have those feelings, and I’ll tend to you.”

And I start to tend to myself. Nourishing myself. Being the kind loving woman I am to others, I tend to myself like I am my own child, wisely and beautifully. I sit with myself while I have my feelings.

I look after my needs by paying attention to how I am feeling and not running away, minimising, pushing them away.

And neither am I reacting and blaming others around me. Or blaming myself. Or getting into a tailspin about the details of my feelings and what situations activated them.

I see my emotions. I hear my emotions. I feel my emotions.

And I tend to myself through the whole process.

That’s my new jam.

That’s how I am looking after myself.

That is the empathy we are seeking from others, given powerfully to ourselves.