Healing our Inner Child
Hello Beautiful,
Happy New Year beautiful one. How are you?
One of the challenges we often face on our emotional healing journey is that we survey the world with adult eyes, but often within a body that contains much unhealed emotional pain from childhood.
With our adult eyes we wonder why we still get upset by seemingly small things, or why we aren’t over this already, or why we are still reacting the way that we are.
“Why am I still blowing up in a rage at people like when I was a child?”
“Why do I struggle with intimacy even though I am no longer in touch with my dysfunctional childhood family?”
“Why am I still the first to panic at the merest sign of a health issue or change of plans?”
It can come down to the simplest of desires – why is my childhood still affecting me or why do I still respond to things as though I am still a child?
“Why do I feel so small, silly and young when I think people are rejecting me?”
“Why do I think I am a shoddy person doing everything so wrong?”
The simple truth is – what hasn’t received the necessary emotional support will stay unhealed. An emotional wound that remains unhealed, uncared for, and unseen won’t just disappear.
So spending time being curious about, and offering compassionate support to, those younger, tender emotional wounds is essential for our healing.
When I was working with my coach, we would sometimes go back in time to parts of my childhood and meet that younger version of myself, in what she was experiencing.
Some very deep emotional pain would emerge in those sessions, as I became aware that those traumas from decades ago were still alive in my body – as raw as if they had occurred yesterday.
It allowed me to see that the emotional pain hadn’t received the support it needed at the time.
So as adults we can ask: can we meet those younger parts of ourselves, and offer them the support and guidance we needed long ago?
Where can we connect to that part of ourselves that is still struggling with the emotional wounds from childhood? That we still carry, alive and painful. Which we are so used to that we don’t even understand the pain they still cause, and the influence they have over our lives.
For me there are two ages that come up over and over again. Me as an 8 year old, and me as a 19 year old young woman. Two ages when I feel I could have really benefited from more significant emotional support.
I have a photo of myself as an 8 year old smiling proudly holding some sticks. I love this photo of me, the bright smile, the innocent face. But I also see the hand on my hip pinching myself. I don’t know why I was doing that, if it meant something or not. But I know that at this age I had too many emotional responsibilities in my family, and not nearly enough emotional support.
I feel for this little girl, knowing how much she struggled in her life. How by this age I was suffering from crippling headaches that would over time become severe neck pain, back pain and at times stopped me from being able to walk for weeks at a time.
I remember the fears of dying, the deep yearning love I had for my parents, for them to be healed. And I feel so deeply for this little girl always trying to do her best.
And then I think about the 19 year old version of me. A young woman, an adult for sure. And I feel a gasp of almost physical pain when I think about her needs. How she was already riddled with shame about her inability to cope with life in the way her peers seemed to. The hedonistic diving into escape. The self-loathing that would arise after the parties and the search for more and more ways to numb and disconnect.
Perhaps it’s because I have a child this age now, that I feel that young woman’s yearning so keenly. Because at that age I thought I should know better. I should be better. I should have figured out so much already.
And then I see how things really are, for my son, and for other people his age, and I realise just how young and innocent they are. And how obvious it is that how safe or unsafe they’ve felt in their life, is manifesting so keenly in their thoughts of themselves, their behaviours and their self-expression.
In this way I feel lucky being a parent because I can feel my kids yearning with all of their hearts to have a good relationship with me and their father. I can see how invested they are in that relationship.
How, when I have disconnected from them, shamed them, judged them, been angry with them, how hard that has been on their spirit.
I recognise how imperfect I have been as a parent – but how hard I try to repair, to keep working on building safety in our relationships, to keep going with my healing because a mother who is healing is the best gift I can give to them.
It helps me be more compassionate with my parents, knowing how hard they tried, but with what they were carrying hampering them so much. How little support they received to heal what they were holding.
I support these inner parts of myself by giving them the things they needed at the time but didn’t receive.
When I feel the emotional pain calling to me from previous decades, I make an effort to be extra supportive and to hold that inner young part of myself with love, tenderness and compassion.
I often visualise holding these young versions of me and giving them comfort, reassurance and complete non-judgemental emotional support.
I imagine stroking their hair, hugging them, telling them what I would tell my own children if they were distressed.
I show up for them as the older, stronger, resilient woman I have become.
I give myself reassurance around what has been most challenging for me.
And I validate those feelings that I have around past experiences.
I focus too on learning about why things feel how they do, and why my behaviours have been how they are. Because when we learn why, then we can stop the judgment we might have towards ourselves, and non-judgment has been such a powerful part of my healing.
We judge what we don’t understand. So learning to recognise, to trace back patterns, to see why I had behaviours and emotions that felt like too much – these are essential tools in the healing journey. Empowering information.
Does this resonate with you?
Do you sense there are younger parts of you still yearning for support, empathy, non-judgement & compassion?
Could you offer yourself some support with holding these parts of you – through the decades – as you journey towards self healing?
As always feel free to hit reply and share any thoughts you have. It’s always lovely to hear from you.
Sending you so much love,
Diana
